I am torn over what I want to do and what I should do. Nothing makes any sense anymore. Especially not the things that deal with my love relationships. I'm not sure how this whole going on a break thing is suppose to work. I mean I honestly didn't want to go on a break. All I wanted was for us to talk civil to one another and work out our issues. Next thing I know, he's breaking up with me or going on a break as he called it on that following Sunday/Monday. Then he lied to me about getting tickets to the race. And then the told me frankly that he didn't want me to go with him. Then after i begged and begged and begged and did more begging than I possibly should, he allowed me to sleep in the back of his truck however, he didn't want to acknowledge that wanted me there - which he made a point to tell me.

So, now that I can stay with him in dega and the run off to meet my friends in the morning and not enjoy the race with him  - please, someone tell me how do I make myself not do that. Will I ever realize that maybe what I'm wanting is not what I'm deserving? Why is it that life makes sense when we are fine but now that everything is pretty much shot how do I just get over it. 

Angela tells me I need to be stronger. Inside I want to  be that girl but part of me doesn't. My life has been with him constantly till now. He even admitted to me last night that he was sorry that he wanted space at a time when I needed him most - graduation and figuring out my new life. 

Why can't he be there? Why?

Why is this so hard to accept?

How is it fair to me that I allow him to have what he wants in the relationship but I don't get anything I want.  I'm sitting here, watching the traffic go by and wondering how much more of this break i can withstand. 

I wish I could have the strength and courage right now at this very moment to throw my towel in the rink walk home and call it done. I want so badly to just have all of the past years behind me and be ready and willing for my new life ahead. I want more than anything to believe that there is someone else out there that is far better for me than I know - someone who will love me, respect me, communicate with me, someone that will help lift up my spirits and show me jesus. I want to believe that - I do. But when I decided to do that my heart races and my stomach becomes numb and I am then again torn by what I want as opposed to what I deserve. 

How do I let go? 

I can't even think about finding a job out of state without the what if's plaguing my heart and mind. I hate that Michael can't be civilized to act like an adult to me about all this. Why going with him was such a problem. In my heart I know I should go with him tonight but in my mind I know that I will go. 

Why even try

So after five long months of preparing applications for graduate school, looking into places I wanted to attend, spending money, and knowing I could trust him telling me, "Yea I'll go with you," he has now decided that he isn't ready to move off.
Crushed isn't the word. Devestated is more like it.
And what is so sad about my own self is that I won't go - no matter where I get in - I won't go if he won't go with me.
So why even try any more, huh? What is the point of working hard for something and planning your life with a person when they wake up one day and break the news to you that they aren't coming. That your plans for your lives together aren't riding in the same car and a pit stop must be made.

Why couldn't he have told me this say.... five months ago. When I asked him. When I told him to be mature and think about everything that would happen in the future. What happened to me trying to get him to understand that I was graduating soon and that his vow to go with me was something that I kept. Did any of what I said matter?

Now he's got all these rules. "I need a break" he tells me. Well, what the hell happened to me wanting to go on a break and him not letting me. But yet he can put his foot down and get what he wants when he wants it.

I never thought breaking up or going on breaks would happen to micheal and I. We were happy. He told me himself he was so happy with me. Yesterday he said the happiness faded away and he wasn't sure any more.

In theory, my life has been a vortex of nothingness for the past 24 hours. It started off with him ignoring me - not talking to me like an adult - but ignoring me. Then he said he wanted time. Then I told him I deserved to talk to him face to face. And he didn't want that and threatend to break up with me if I did come see him. Then when I saw him, he wouldn't touch me or kiss me or even say I love you.

How, after two years, do you just let all of it go like this? How? How do the moments that took your breath away and the experiences you shared suddenly mean nothing?

For over 6 years now I have given up everything to be with him. And now I'm going to give up the next 6 years so he can fulfill his dreams?
Whatever happened to following what each other has done and working hard to be with each other.
Suddenly forever isn't enough and dreams I've held and plans I've made are just dust in the wind that I careless to chase after.
People will tell me not to worry about it. But you haven't met this boy. You haven't fallen in love with him only to have him break your heart and then realize he loves you.

God, why is this happening? What is this plan you are doing right now? Please give me your peace that passes all understanding as I travel alone into this feeling of emptyness, a void only you can feel.